So I just took the Covid test and let me tell you, I was a little nervous because I did not study for it and there was no bright teacher’s pet in front of me to “gangster” answers from.

Before anyone starts sending condolences, I am not sick, I have no symptoms, this was just part of a new pre-surgery assessment at one medical institution in the West, next to the shore, who shall remain nameless. Their policy is that for elective surgery you need to have a negative test within 5 days of admission.

Anyway, so yuh boy gone in and for once I allowed good sense to prevail and didn’t just shout out “AH COME TO DO A COVID TEST!”. Could you imagine the reaction in the waiting room?! Might have made for a good blog post though.

It’s a good thing too because even after I explained to them that the reason for my test was to comply with their own policy, the look I got from the receptionist when I said “Covid test” was like she mash a pile of Man U…sorry manure and it was smelling.

The receptionist quickly told me to head down the hallway to the front office and they would see about me, as if to make sure I just moved from by her. When I got to the front office and again explained my purpose they immediately told me to go from here and to go by Accident and Emergency. Not with their words but with their eyes or maybe I was being too sensitive.

When I was finally able to see the person to administer the test they were very polite and professional. The bloke, not sure if it was a doctor, took me to a quiet private room, away from anyone being able to see what was about to take place.

After collecting some background data and consent forms so that the Ministry could start contact tracing if necessary, it was time for the fun part. The swab itself looked like a good 8 – 10 inches. As a man, naturally I’m generous in my length estimations. From my extensive online research I fully expected the doctor to stick the swab into my brain and scramble my childhood memories. I kept hearing Evelyn’s explanation of the forbidden Hom Dai procedure they performed on Imhotep in The Mummy.

Despite all reassurances from the dude, I was still apprehensive. However, to my surprise the actual swabbing wasn’t that terrible. I’ve had sinus infections that were more painful. It was more a feeling of pressure, kind of like a nasal prostate exam. Put it this way, if my choice is between a prostate exam or a Covid test, I’d choose the Covid test no questions asked….which is how I always take my prostate exams.

As a responsible adult I will now self isolate at home until the result of my test so that I’m in pristine condition for my shoulder surgery on Monday. If I happen to be positive well at least we caught it early, which is always key for potentially life threatening illnesses.

So, if you do find yourself in a situation where you need to do the test, don’t worry, it won’t dislodge any painful memories you’ve long suppressed like walking in on your parents in an amorous position or seeing the video back in the day of the dude swimming freestyle in the drain on Frederick Street.


This Post Has One Comment

  1. AJR

    Thanks for posting. The right balance of information and entertainment, as always.

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