So allyuh boy was working from home, slaving away in the salt mines when I get this email that promised to change my life. The subject of the email was my younger brother’s name so naturally I was curious.
The email began by saying they are contacting me on behalf of the estate of their deceased client, *Relative of TANA*. I immediately thought “oh lord…it wasn’t the NLCB emailing me to say that my flower had “blossoooomed” and to hold a $5M”. I realized it was one of those “help me move trapped money or steal your identity scams”. Usually I just ignore these messages but seeing as I’m lacking entertainment in these Covid times, I decided to play along.
As I read on, the email said it was from a person who identified themself as “Vicky Kong”, Head of Retail Banking at Capital Investment Bank, United Kingdom. At first I wondered could this person not come up with a less generic business name? I mean they might as well had told me the address was #1 Yemen Road, Yemen, downstairs from Chandler Bing.
Anyway, “Vicky” stated that her client and his whole family died suddenly in France in 2013 without a will and left the small sum of £22,500,000 in an account that would be transfered to the French government in 14 days if left unclaimed. Poor “Vicky” and her fictitious client…may he fake rest in peace.
Being the helpful individual that I am and seeing that my cacahole gland was fully engorged at that point, I baited the hook. I asked “Vicky” what I would need to do to help.
Basically “Vicky” wanted me to pretend to be the relative of this deceased/non-existent individual to claim the funds. As Head of Retail Banking at the equivalent of Charlie’s Chocolate Factory, “Vicky” would make sure the transaction went smoothly. Vicky would share the windfall with me 50/50. Here’s the kicker, Vicky assured me this whole thing this was all legal, never mind she’s trying to have me commit fake fraud. I don’t think “Vicky ” realized that constantly telling a Trini to keep something “confidential” means “tell the world”.
On one hand, cacahole me wanted to curse “Vicky” but on the other hand cacahole me wanted to get my fake £11,250,000….with that kind of money I could retire and start my own talk show where I troll all the local internet trolls while wearing a fedora with the Nagib Elias cartoon dude with the boom-box as my co-host.
During multiple email correspondence “Vicky” told me she was a Christian, married with 2 kids (both girls) and even sent her UK number (text only of course, for security reasons). Then we got to the hook…..”Vicky” wanted me to provide my full name, address, religion, marital status, phone number, copy of my driver’s license, work ID or International Passport.
So there it was, an elaborate identify theft scam. Little does “Vicky” know stealing my identity is a fool’s errand. There are no perks to being me. Worse yet what she expect to do with a Trini passport other than import roti skins through JFK with minimal scrutiny.
I finally told “Vicky”, Victor, Bertram whatever their real name is, they chose the wrong red man from “tong” to try to scam. The only scam we does fall for is when we top up a $20 phone card and get $17.50 in credit and $3 worth of talk time.
However, I told “Vicky” that lucky for her I could help her stop scamming people and to become a better person….all for the one-time low fee of US$1500. As the Head of Retail Banking at Capital Investment Bank, United Kingdom I’m sure “Vicky” would be able to wire that to me via Western Union easy peasy.
The things we do for excitement during Covid. At least I didn’t get stranded in the DR on a soca booty-call.